HM Queen sorts Boris out on Brexit

I’m dreaming on a sunny autumn afternoon. HM Queen is on the phone to Boris…

‘Look, Boris, these japes of yours may be OK for the playing fields of Eton, but they really won’t do in my Prime Minister.

I know you keep saying you want us to leave the EU by 31st October, but it is now abundantly clear to me that you haven’t a clue how to do it. And the bigger the mess you create, the more you imperil our unwritten constitution – dragging me and the judiciary into the mire. And disunite my kingdom. It’s got to stop.

I’ve actually read all these state papers that you and the hapless Theresa keep sending me. I think it is a discipline you should follow yourself. It seems to me that all you need to do is announce that we are leaving the EU, but remaining part of the European Economic Area (EEA), and that we propose to accept the EU Commission’s original proposal of a border down the Irish Sea.

Simple. Now I know that remaining in the EEA will limit our ability to control migration from the EU, but I see that you’ve abandoned your predecessors’ immigration targets anyway. And while the border down the Irish Sea will create a different regime for Northern Ireland, the differences will be limited (initially at least) to agriculture and fishing (which are outside the EEA). And you’ve already proposed a different regime for them. Anyway, as I’ve told you before, Northern Ireland has a host of differences from the rest of the UK.

You are also no doubt aware of the argument that, in fact, we need to take no legal steps to remain part of the EEA, as we are a signatory to the original treaty. No doubt you will need your officials to look into that, but whatever you do don’t let that twit Geoffrey Cox anywhere near it.

Can you please promise that you’ll behave and do as you are told? I’m 93 and would like a quiet life without riots on the streets. And if and when you ever see that other old Etonian Prime Minister who started the mess, please tell him I’ve reserved a special lamppost for his execution outside my bedroom window if things get any worse.’